Does Achievement Leave You Feeling Empty?

When A Success Isn’t Satisfying

We would like to think that when we reach an achievement it would also feel good. That’s part of why we set goals: we want what success will mean, whether that's feeling good, happiness, or accomplishment. Unfortunately, through pressure to meet expectations, fear of complacency, the temporary nature of the success, and mixtures of emotions, we sometimes don’t feel good after all, maybe a little deflated. Perhaps we say to ourselves "is that it?"

What causes a success to feel unsatisfactory? Why can achievement feel lacking and empty? There are many emotions that surround setting goals, the journey towards reaching one, and achieving it. Join CLCI Live as Jen Long (PCC), Anthony Lopez (MCPC), Brooke Adair Walters (ACC), Jerome LeDuff (MCLC), and Lisa Finck (MCC) highlight the complexity of emotions tied to achievements, and how important self awareness and celebration are in fighting back a tendency to self sabotage our satisfaction.

Languishing After Achievements

According to the American Psychological Association, languishing involves feeling mentally and emotionally absent: being listless, apathetic, and disinterested in life. Languishing can describe a lack of lasting satisfaction- even after a meaningful achievement, when we’d assume we would be feeling a high. 

What can contribute to this? For one thing, there should be purpose in achievements. When accomplishments connect to our broader life philosophies and values, they feel more meaningful. But even with goals we place great value in, actually reaching and crossing that finish line might not be satisfying for a few reasons. Let’s take a closer look.

Contributors and Scenarios: The Musician, The Spouse, and The Captive of Nostalgia

Satisfaction is almost always going to be temporary. It requires maintenance to keep up, and so if expectations aren’t met, we can be discouraged about trying to do other accomplishments. 

Satisfaction is also subjective, and not knowing what it feels like for you can make it hard to recognize. Here’s an example of why that’s relevant: People can experience multiple emotions simultaneously when they achieve a goal and that can be confusing. Let’s say you have an achievement that brings you happiness and pride but also a little anxiety and disappointment. You might get wrapped up in thinking that this isn’t what success should feel like for others. As a consequence, your sense of satisfaction gets complicated, and can even fade into that emptiness instead. But the reality is, feeling multiple emotions when we achieve something is common, not a “you problem”.

A common fear that can sabotage satisfaction is the idea of ‘peaking’. Consider someone who is said to have peaked in high school. Every success, every process to a goal after, never amounts to where they were at during that period of their life, they and others looking at them think. The nostalgia of it can take away from potential new highlights and send their perspective back to this grief of a bygone time. 

Or think of a musician who achieves success but then contends with the pressure to sustain it, draining the satisfaction of that success by the fear this was their pinnacle and it will be “all downhill” from there. No one wants to be a one hit wonder if they are continuing that career, but even with hit after hit, no musician will stay on top forever. And fear of complacency can inhibit the ability to really feel satisfied.

Milestones can seem like peaks and the problem there is the idea of there being a single, most important one to reach. What about after? Imagine someone whose wedding is a milestone for them: will they spend the reception and honeymoon only half-happy because their satisfaction is being sabotaged by the sadness that it’s finished and no goalpost will compare for them to look forward to next? The major milestone is reached and accompanied too soon after by an emotional drop. 

These are the types of perspectives that sabotage satisfaction. Understanding the chance this could happen, what emotions play a role in this sabotage, and then finally shifting the way we view these situations is how we stop diminishing our own successes and regain positive motivation.

Tips and Tricks for Coaching

So, what can be done to help clients counteract this self-sabotage? And what can a coach do to help a client struggling to find the satisfaction in success? There’s no one list and no right method, but here are six possibilities.

Understanding Emotions:

We have to recognize that feelings of emptiness after achieving goals are common and can stem from various sources, including unmet expectations or the complexity of emotions involved in success. It’s not some character flaw of a single person. There are others who can empathize with this experience. And not everyone experiences this disappointment in the exact same way. 

In coaching, it's important to explore what "feeling empty" means for individuals and to understand the duality of emotions that can arise from achievements.

Celebration and Acknowledgment:

Many struggle to recognize and celebrate their successes effectively. Coaches can emphasize the importance of acknowledging an achievement.

Coaches can encourage clients to acknowledge their achievements, no matter how small, to foster a sense of satisfaction. A client that acknowledges their own achievements can celebrate them outside of sessions by treating themselves, taking breaks, spending time with loved ones, or a variety of other ways.

Harvard Summer School says that “Celebrating small wins can boost your mood and improve confidence in your accomplishments, keeping you motivated as you pursue a larger goal.” Just the act of "basking" in accomplishments can help individuals appreciate their successes and reinforce positive feelings. 

Focus on the Process:

Perspective influences all areas of life. So when it comes to success, our perspective can’t be solely focused on a far off, final victory. 

Lao Tzu, remembered for being a founding father of Taoism, is known for saying: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” And it is reached by making that single step again, repeatedly. If all we value is the final milestone, we devalue how hard the journey to it can be, and how each step taken is a success in and of itself. Shifting the focus from merely achieving goals to enjoying the process of working towards them can help maintain motivation and satisfaction.

One method of changing perspective could be setting commitments instead of rigid, far-off goals. This can create a more flexible and fulfilling approach to personal development. Focusing on the process, not just the end goal, can enhance and deepen the feelings of self satisfaction throughout the journey and after its conclusion.

Defining Satisfaction:

A single perspective of success is not a one size fits all shared by everyone in the world. In the same way, satisfaction can vary greatly from person to person. Coaches should help clients define what satisfaction looks like for them.

While satisfaction and success will be uniquely viewed, there are some pieces of them that are constant. One of these is that satisfaction is, by nature, temporary. Coaches that understand this temporary nature can help clients manage their expectations and avoid feelings of disappointment. Again, this is why it’s important to find satisfaction in the process, not just the end goal, and to acknowledge and celebrate our wins along the way.

Addressing Fears of Complacency:

Discussing fears related to achieving goals, such as the concern that success might lead to laziness or a decline in motivation, is crucial. Encouraging clients to find new, positive motivators beyond fear or guilt can lead to healthier approaches to achievement. As mentioned earlier, celebrating small wins can boost mood and confidence. This is one of the ways to shift from negative motivators, like fear, into positive motivators that are better sustained. 

Community and Support:

Finally, knowing others and having a place in a community is important. A supportive community will enhance the celebration of achievements. They provide a space for shared understanding and give support when motivation is at a low and the process of reaching a success feels overwhelming. 

Explore with the clients how they can facilitate connections to foster a sense of belonging and mutual support in their journeys.

Ultimately, satisfaction is not a goal by itself, it is a constant process that we all must reinforce, consider deeply, and be mindful of.

Thank you,

Jen Long (PCC), Anthony Lopez (MCPC), Brooke Adair Walters (ACC), Jerome LeDuff (MCLC), and Lisa Finck (MCC)

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