Search your feelings, you know this to be true…or do you?
Should we Trust our Feelings?
We've all felt it before. That intense surge of emotions that makes everything seem crystal clear in the heat of the moment. It's as if a fire of emotions illuminates everything around us, revealing truths that were hidden before. Suddenly, everything makes sense, and the path forward appears unambiguously laid out by our feelings.
But then, the moment passes.
And we're left to wonder. Did we really see the situation as clearly as we thought? Or did our emotions cloud our judgment?
For some, this recurring doubt leads to a decision to switch off their emotional responses, dismissing them as irrational noise that shouldn't influence decision-making. "I shouldn't be feeling this," becomes a common refrain.
Emotions frequently filter our experiences, shaping our perceptions and reactions.
Many of us oscillate between believing our emotions and denying them. But what is the right approach? Can we ever truly trust our feelings?
The answer, while seemingly straightforward, is also profoundly complex. Join Jen Long (ACC), Samuel Gozo (ACC), Jerome LeDuff (MCPC), Anthony Lopez (MCPC), Brooke Adair Walters (ACC), and Lisa Finck (MCC) from CLCI Live as they explore these questions and apply their insights to the world of coaching.
Not Denying, Not Agreeing, but Accepting
How accurately can we truly know our own feelings, and is it different from person to person; from client to client? Cue Emotional Intelligence
According to the American Psychological Association, emotional intelligence was first proposed by Peter Salovey and John Mayer, whose 1997 model later inspired the book that popularized the term. Salovey and Mayer believed emotional intelligence to have four components
to “perceive and appraise emotions accurately”
to “access and evoke” emotions that promote thought
to understand emotional language and information, and
to regulate emotions in order to “promote growth and well-being”
Think about those. The first component doesn’t say those emotions have to be accurate to what’s occurring. It’s instead saying that the first step towards stronger emotional intelligence is tuning in, being aware of, and then appraising our feelings. Through time and reflection, we can act on a little process known as emotion differentiation: sensitivity to our emotions and the contexts each reaction comes in. By the last component, our appraisal has led to a strong understanding of our own emotions and what to take from them, so at that point, a feeling can be observed, honored, and then regulated in whatever way we think will do us the best good.
It’s important to accept what you feel in the moment. Just as it’s important to be aware of the chance that the feeling being experienced in that moment could be different from what is objectively occurring. We all have limited perspectives. Our experience is unique to us in every moment.
So we can be aware that, sometimes, our feelings might be an ‘unreliable narrator’. But the next important step is to be tuned in to your emotions regardless. Pay attention to them. Really feel those feelings out. Honor where you are in any given moment, rather than denying your emotions or talking down to yourself for feeling them. That’s a key part of accepting the emotion, but it’s also a key part in beginning to see patterns in your reactions to similar moments, predicting what will make you feel which emotions, and understanding the when/why/where/what and how’s of your feelings. This is how we learn emotional intelligence. Saying to yourself, “I shouldn’t be feeling this”, is not.
Trusting Clients
Just like us, our clients can have those gut feelings and oft-ruminated upon emotions. The International Coaching Federation has a great article on what a coach can do with their client’s feelings. Found here, the author’s stance is that the emotions of our clients tell us “useful information” and act as a “doorway into deepening awareness.” They act as roadsigns: a ‘red light’ for one topic, seen in the discomfort and turned away body language of the client, a ‘caution’ sign for another topic, seen in how downplayed the client leaves it while bringing it up often, hesitant but hoping. By trusting that the client does feel the way they say they do, you don’t have to blindly believe it is correct. But it also isn’t the job of the coach to play the “what is true dimension” game: we don’t know what is in the life, let alone the head, of any other person. What could seem like an emotional overreaction from where you’re sitting could be a product of years of pent-up troubles or a feeling they’d long been considering but never let on about thinking. As an outsider, can we say what is true for a client?
It’s important to remember one simple view CLCI believes in: clients are naturally resourceful and whole people. You can trust that they are, and you can trust that they are feeling the emotions they say they are, without having to blindly accept its status as a universal truth. There is a large difference between trusting that a client has a feeling, and that trust implying their feeling is the reality of the situation. There is a critical difference between challenging a client’s emotion and dismissing it.
Consider this hypothetical. A client has been with a coach for some time now as they work on managing their time, cutting clutter from their life, and starting a new business. Today, they are stressed and say as much, coming back to a repeated sentiment: “I’m a loser.” Which coach better approaches their emotions of that day?
Coach 1: No, I don’t think you’re feeling that way, actually. I think you mean to say you’re feeling proud of how far you’ve come already. Remember how you got your building permit last week? A loser wouldn’t do that.
Coach 2: I keep hearing you say you feel like a ‘loser’. But what times have you succeeded in your goals recently? What have you done already?
Being skeptical doesn’t mean denying a client’s emotion out loud. It means asking questions gently to try to get them to explore what they’re feeling and what they believe.
What Trust Isn’t
As said above, trust doesn’t equal belief. Coming back to whether any of us can trust our emotions, what we can question are the thoughts and beliefs we’re also experiencing that could be causing the emotion. It’s never too late to start growing our emotional intelligence. When we are having a strong, perhaps ‘irrational’ feeling, we can sit with it, acknowledge it, and in time, we can try to determine how accurate and grounded in reality it is. Perhaps it is an overreaction and someone else who we thought was trying to offend us wasn’t intending that at all. And perhaps it’s a valid warning bell going off from our fight or flight system. We can’t get closer to finding out either if all we do is deny our feelings instead of looking at them.
Yes, our emotions can be ungrounded in reality. But never underestimate them, nor the fact that they come based on our life experiences so far. And that’s one final point to consider with this topic in regard to coaching. The more and more time you spend as a coach, the more your feelings are being influenced or caused by the experience you have as a professional. If you have that gut feeling of a ‘red flag’, if your emotions are screaming not to take a client, if, while a few sessions in, your discomfort just suggests more and more that this isn’t a good match, if you feel like a client is pushing at your established boundaries… Trust that you are feeling those things, sit with them, and then do not hesitate to turn down or step away from that client relationship. Some clients and coaches just don’t match well, and it is no moral failing of either of them that their personalities just clash uncomfortably. There’s nothing wrong with having feelings, and there’s nothing wrong with referring a client out.
As we refine our understanding of emotions, remember that trusting them isn't about blind acceptance—it's about engaging with them thoughtfully to guide our actions. By acknowledging our emotions and evaluating their roots, we become better coaches and more empathetic individuals. Let's view each emotional response as an opportunity for growth and deeper connection, enriching both our personal lives and our professional practices.
Thank you,
Jen Long (ACC), Samuel Gozo (ACC), Jerome LeDuff (MCPC), Anthony Lopez (MCPC), Brooke Adair Walters (ACC), and Lisa Finck (MCC)!
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