Self-Sabotage 101: Replacing Self-Sabotage with Self-Advocacy
- Anthony Lopez
- 1 day ago
- 3 min read
Time to Speak Up!
We've spoken a lot about the dramatic ways self sabotage can wreck havoc in our lives but it also shows up in more subtle ways, masquerading as comfort, humility, or passivity. However, at its core, it represents a quiet undermining of our true potential. For life coaches, recognizing when a client is stuck in patterns of self-sabotage is crucial, as these patterns can hinder personal growth, limit success, and lead to unfulfilled potential. As it turns out, one of the most significant but often overlooked aspect of self-sabotage is the failure to advocate for oneself. Not advocating for your own needs and values is essentially self-sabotage in disguise because it actively prevents you from achieving desired outcomes. You might find yourself consistently overlooked for opportunities, feeling undervalued, or stuck in frustrating cycles—all because your true voice remains unheard.
So join us on CLCI Live while Jen Long (PCC), Anthony Lopez (MCPC), Brooke Adair Walters (ACC), Jerome LeDuff (MCLC), and Lisa Finck (MCC) explore how we can transition from the quiet self-sabotaging to loudly proclaiming our needs and finally being our own best advocates.
Understanding Self-Advocacy
Self-advocacy means clearly communicating your needs, values, and rights. It’s about being assertive without being aggressive, confidently speaking your truth, and taking ownership of your decisions and well-being. According to BetterUp, self-advocacy requires that you first understand yourself (your values, your needs, and your rights) in the context in which you operate. When you self-advocate, you're no longer passively waiting for others to guess or meet your needs, you’re actively taking control.
What Happens When We Don't Advocate for Ourselves?
Not advocating for oneself is more damaging than many realize. When we don't speak up:
We allow others to define our worth and set boundaries for us.
We become resentful or withdrawn because our needs continually go unmet.
Opportunities pass us by because we fail to communicate our readiness or desire to step into new roles or challenges.
In short, by remaining silent or passive, we limit our growth and keep ourselves in a loop of dissatisfaction and missed opportunities—true self-sabotage. This can show up in a coaching session when a client's goals are often dependent on the cooperation and buy-in of others, whether that's their boss, friends, spouse, kids, or others that interact with. What's important to remember is to not "coach the ghost", i.e. coaching people who aren't in the session! Focus on what is is the client's control.
Moving from Self-Sabotage to Self-Advocacy
Transitioning from self-sabotage to self-advocacy is transformative and can be the key to client success, especially when the client is hesitant to represent themselves. Harvard Business Review highlights how critical self-advocacy is, especially in professional settings:
More emotions are in play; it’s often difficult to figure out exactly what you want or how to get the conversation started; and failure carries a higher cost.
Indeed, advocating for oneself can feel emotionally challenging or even risky, especially if it goes against established norms or expectations. Yet, overcoming these barriers leads to empowerment and clearer communication. Life coaches can help clients through this transition by:
Guiding clients to clearly define their values and needs.
Encouraging clients to communicate assertively rather than passively.
Providing a safe environment for clients to practice these new skills without judgment.
As coaches, our role isn't to advocate for clients directly, but rather to foster an environment that nurtures their ability to advocate for themselves. We can do this by encouraging clients to speak openly about their needs and desires. Once the client is able to articulate their needs, then you can start employing techniques like role-playing, scenario-building, or visualization.
Be sure to also explore emotional barriers (such as fear, anxiety, or perceived unworthiness) that may prevent the client's self-advocacy, and have the client brainstorm strategies to overcome them.
Replacing self-sabotage with self-advocacy isn't simply about speaking up—it's about your client valuing themselves enough to assert their worth and needs confidently. Life coaches play an essential role in guiding this transformation by creating awareness, building assertive communication skills, and nurturing the self-confidence required to step fully into one's potential.
When you choose advocacy over sabotage, you are not just changing your actions—you're transforming your entire relationship with yourself and the world around you.
Thank you,
Jen Long (PCC), Anthony Lopez (MCPC), Brooke Adair Walters (ACC), Jerome LeDuff (MCLC), and Lisa Finck (MCC)
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