*Note- Being a villain does not being an evil-doer. Coaches are still expected to "do good", not just avoiding harm.
Being the Villain
Growing up means learning we can't always be a hero, and sometimes we might just seem like the bad guy in the eyes of others. How do we help our clients and ourselves cope with having to be a villain?
In the world of coaching, we often talk about growth, self-discovery, and transformation. But one truth that often gets overlooked is that growth can sometimes make us seem like the villain. Whether you are a coach challenging a client or a client making tough decisions for yourself, there will be moments when you are cast as the "bad guy" in the eyes of others and that can feel uncomfortable, even frightening. Join CLCI Live for a Halloween themed discussion on villainy as Jen Long (ACC), Jerome LeDuff (MCPC), Lisa Finck (MCC), Misha Safran (PCC), Anthony Lopez (MCPC), and Brooke Adair Walters (ACC) figure out what to do when we are cast as the villain and how to reconcile that with who we want to be.
The Villain's Role in Coaching
As life coaches, we don't set out to be villains, but we do challenge our clients in ways that can make us appear that way, especially when the clients perspective is grounded in black & white thinking. It’s part of the role. The work of helping someone grow involves nudging them out of their comfort zones and asking tough questions that can disrupt their current way of thinking. This discomfort can make us seem like the "bad guy," but it’s also where the potential for real growth lies.
Here are some areas where coaches may feel like the villain:
Challenging Confusion: When coaches challenge "I don’t know" as an answer, we’re pushing clients to dig deeper, uncovering truths they may have been avoiding. This can feel confrontational, but it helps bring clarity where confusion reigns and can enable the client to identify what they do know.
Confronting Black & White Thinking: Life is nuanced, and growth often requires embracing shades of gray. When we challenge black-and-white thinking, we’re asking clients to let go of rigid beliefs and explore other possibilities.
Questioning Assumptions: Coaches often challenge assumptions that clients hold about themselves and the world. This can be unsettling because it questions the foundation upon which clients may have built their beliefs.
Disrupting Codependence: Encouraging clients to take ownership of their choices and break free from patterns of codependence can initially feel like abandonment. It requires them to stand on their own two feet, which can be daunting.
Empowering Against Disempowerment & Learned Helplessness: Growth means unlearning helplessness and reclaiming power. Encouraging a client to do this can make you seem like a villain, especially when the comfort of helplessness feels safer than the unknown of self-empowerment.
Addressing Bias: Whether it's internal biases or external biases towards others, addressing these ingrained beliefs can feel like an attack on identity. But shedding biases is essential for holistic growth and deeper self-awareness.
Challenging Self-Criticism: For many clients, their inner critic is a familiar, albeit harmful, companion. As coaches, when we question or investigate the power, benefits, and drawbacks of that critical voice, clients may initially resist. They may feel like they’re being stripped of something fundamental, even if that critical voice it's not in line with their goals or beliefs.
When Clients Feel Like the Villain
It's not just coaches who find themselves in the role of the villain. Clients, too, can feel this way, particularly when they start setting boundaries. Establishing boundaries means putting oneself first, which may lead to feelings of guilt, especially if others react negatively. Saying "no," prioritizing self-care, and disengaging from unhealthy relationships can make clients feel selfish or unkind—like the bad guy!
The truth: being a villain in someone else’s story is often a necessary part of personal growth. Setting boundaries means prioritizing one’s mental health, needs, and well-being, even if it means disappointing others. It can be a powerful act of self-love and empowerment, but it comes with the challenge of coping with others' perceptions.
Embracing the Villain for Growth
For both coaches and clients, being seen as the villain is an uncomfortable part of the journey. However, learning to embrace this discomfort is key to transformative growth. As coaches, we need to be comfortable with challenging our clients in ways that may make us unpopular at times. And as clients, we need to learn that sometimes, being the "bad guy" is essential for our own well-being.
Some ways to navigate these "villain" moments:
Communicate with Compassion: Whether you’re a coach challenging a client or a client setting a boundary, framing your actions with compassion and empathy can go a long way to ease the discomfort. Explain the "why" behind the challenge or boundary.
Understand the Long-Term Vision: Growth often requires short-term discomfort for long-term benefit. Remind yourself that being the villain today could mean being the hero in your own story tomorrow.
Accept Discomfort as Part of Change: Change is rarely comfortable, and discomfort is often a sign that growth is happening. Learning to sit with discomfort, rather than avoiding it, is crucial for transformation.
Reframe "Villainy": Remember that growth isn’t about being nice all the time. It’s about being true to yourself and committed to a journey of authenticity and well-being. Reframe the idea of being a villain—you’re not hurting others; you’re taking care of yourself and doing what’s necessary for growth.
In the end, embracing the "villain" role in personal development is about realizing that growth can be messy, challenging, and even upsetting to others, especially when they don't have your best interest in mind. But it’s a necessary part of becoming who we are truly meant to be. As coaches and clients, learning to cope with these moments is what will ultimately lead us to a life of fulfillment and authenticity.
Thank you,
Jen Long (ACC), Jerome LeDuff (MCPC), Lisa Finck (MCC), Misha Safran (PCC), Anthony Lopez (MCPC), and Brooke Adair Walters (ACC)!
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