If you can't trust yourself, then who can you?
Self Sabotage and Gaslighting
We often hear about gaslighting in the context of toxic relationships, where one person manipulates another to doubt their own reality. But what happens when we turn this manipulation inward? When the saboteur and the victim are the same person? This form of deception, known as gaslighting, is a potent type of self-sabotage that can deeply interfere with our goals and well-being.
Self-sabotage manifests in various ways—procrastination, perfectionism, poor financial decisions, or destructive relationships—each creating barriers to our success and happiness. It's an internal conflict that can be summed up as: "You are your own worst enemy." This week on CLCI Live, Jen Long (ACC), Jerome LeDuff (MCPC), Lisa Finck (MCC), Anthony Lopez (MCPC), and Brooke Adair Walters (ACC) delve into the nuances of self-gaslighting. Join us as we explore the strategies coaches can employ to help clients recognize and overcome this self-defeating behavior.
The Inner Voice
Gaslighting has become a popular term in recent years. It is a form of manipulation best known for making someone question their own perceptions. Oftentimes, gaslighting is a subtle thing. It’s used to tell you repeatedly that a memory is incorrect, and this repetition can make people feel like they have to question their own sanity. Gaslighting can be a form of abusive behavior used by a romantic partner, a parent, colleague, or anyone that you have a close connection to. When we think of gaslighting, we likely imagine two or more people involved: the gaslighter and the victim being gaslit.
So what is ‘self gaslighting’? And how could it develop?
The easiest answer is that the self gaslighting is being done by and within someone’s own thoughts. Maybe they have been criticized throughout their life and adopted a sense that whenever they are perceiving themselves in pain, it is both not valid and their fault. The surrounding criticism becomes internalized and they don’t believe they could be capable of doing or creating a good thing; so when they do, they gaslight themselves into thinking it was someone or something else responsible.
Or maybe they have been exposed to gaslighting often in their life by someone close. Being told repeatedly that they cannot trust their perceptions, that they are remembering events wrong, begins to take a toll on them. Even without the original culprit around them, that judgmental voice keeps going. Someone regularly gaslit could reach the point where it becomes a part of that inner voice.
Having your judgment constantly questioned takes a toll on thought patterns. Receiving criticism does as well. Psychologist Kaytee Gillis explains that self gaslighting is a denial of your reality/version of events, which can be a result of “internalized self-doubt, coupled with a pattern of self-criticism that compounds to deny your reality.” Gillis elsewhere writes that self gaslighting is common for those with family trauma and survivors of psychological abuse.
Here’s something else to consider: Gillis says that “Self-gaslighting is common, yet many do not know they are engaging in this behavior.” It’s even more subtle than gaslighting. It’s often not recognized. But it’s there. Think of the coaching space when a client who consistently undermines their own experiences and feelings. For instance, a client may receive a well-deserved promotion at work but attribute it to luck or timing rather than their hard work and dedication. They might say things like, "It wasn't really my talent that got me the promotion; I just happened to be at the right place at the right time." This statement reflects self-gaslighting as it denies the reality of their competence and undermines their self-worth.
Signs of Self Gaslighting
Like gaslighting itself, there are many different ways self gaslighting can manifest, including but not limited to:
Negative self talk
Invalidating their own feelings
Minimizing accomplishments
Reanalyzing past events and defining their identity from perceived mistakes
Second guess their decisions, feelings, and place in life
Doubting their memory and their worth
Despite being in a space that nurtures growth and praise, they are internally highly critical of themselves.
Making excuses for the bad behavior of others, or even finding reasons why their own behavior caused the other person to do wrong.
Telling themselves they are overreacting when another hurts them.
Many times, a self gaslighter takes responsibility for events that are clearly not their responsibility. They are able to bend and flex the reality of a situation to suite a self-sabotaging narrative.
And this internal struggle ultimately affects the external reality that a person experiences. Some of the impacts of self gaslighting can be self-distrust, depression symptoms, emotional dysregulation, addiction & self-medication, confusion, and more. Repeating gaslighting thoughts becomes a pattern that can impact relationships, work, and ultimately wellbeing.
It’s rough. It’s chronic. It’s more common than we think about; but, it’s not inescapable.
Coaching The Client Who Self-Gaslights
First and foremost, a coach isn’t a therapist. And while a coach can observe the evidence and effects of a self-gaslighting client, it’s not our place to tell a client they seem to be self gaslighting and then offer advice on how to help manage the thought patterns.
So what is a coach to do and how can we partner with a client who doubts their perceptions or even skews their reality?
Awareness through Inquiry
Rather than telling clients they are self-gaslighting, which may reinforce their doubts, engage them in a process of gentle inquiry to help them see these patterns for themselves. Use questions to guide them in reflecting on their thoughts and feelings:
Exploring Reality Checks: "What evidence do you have that supports your feeling this way?" This question encourages clients to assess the validity of their perceptions and beliefs.
Identifying Patterns: "Can you think of other times you’ve felt this way? What were the circumstances?" This helps clients recognize recurring patterns in their thinking that may be distorting.
Understanding Impact: "How do these thoughts affect your actions and feelings?" Getting clients to link their thoughts with their actions can illuminate how self-gaslighting influences their behavior.
Challenging the Narrative
Encourage clients to question the narrative they've constructed about themselves:
Reframing Thoughts: "What might be a different way to view this situation?" This helps clients consider alternative interpretations and perspectives.
Questioning the Source: "Where do you think these feelings come from? Are they coming from an internal belief or an external influence?" This can help differentiate self-imposed pressures from those imposed by others.
Building Self-Trust
Help clients build trust in their own perceptions and judgments:
Validating Experiences: "On a scale of 1-10, how much do you trust your judgment?", "What would it take for you to trust your decisions more?" Encourage clients to think about what conditions need to change for them to feel more confident.
Promoting Self-Compassion: "What would you say to a friend who had these thoughts?" This can help clients apply a more compassionate perspective to themselves.
Encouraging Reflective Thinking
Guide clients to reflect rather than react:
Reflect on Actions and Consequences: "Looking back, how have these thoughts served you or held you back?" This allows clients to evaluate the effects of their self-gaslighting.
Visualizing Change: "How might your life be different if you didn’t believe these negative self-assessments?" Encourage clients to imagine a life free from the constraints of their self-doubt.
For coaches, you want to focus on inquiry and reflection. The only person who can actually fix a client's perception of reality and validate their experience is the client themselves. But, they don't have to do it alone, coaching can provide a level of removed objectivity that can help facilitate client growth towards a realistic self-image.
Thank you,
Jen Long (ACC), Jerome LeDuff (MCPC), Lisa Finck (MCC), Anthony Lopez (MCPC), and Brooke Adair Walters (ACC)!
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