Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame, these two profoundly uncomfortable personal experiences are so woven through the fabric of our society and interpersonal relations that they shape and influence our actions & reactions to a degree that many coaches and clients fail to appreciate until the damage has been done.
While both emotions are universal, making a distinction between them can aid our understanding on how they manifest as personal blocks. Guilt typically arises from specific actions we regret—like snapping at a friend. Shame, deeper and more pervasive, colors our self-perception, stemming from how we see our very identities—in contributes to the belief that we're inherently flawed or unworthy of our goals.
Both guilt and shame can lead clients to sabotage their own aspirations and can even unravel a coaching session. But recognizing and understanding these emotions can empower coaches to partner with their clients more effectively, fostering resilience and a healthier way to navigate troubling thought patterns. Join us as Jen Long (ACC), Jerome LeDuff (MCPC), Lisa Finck (MCC), Anthony Lopez (MCPC), and Brooke Adair Walters (ACC) delve deeper into these themes, aiming to liberate clients from the chains of self-criticism and misplaced accountability.
Actions, Behaviors, and Intrinsic Worth
One way to break down the distinction between guilt and shame is to ask yourself when you are more likely to feel one over the other.
Consider something simple: at a friend’s house, you’ve bumped into a table and knocked over a glass heirloom that breaks. An initial reaction might be towards the action. You might feel guilty of what you’ve done and express that remorse to your friend. Your guilt reaction is to think, “I did something wrong.”
Or... you may treat it as a deeper problem-one that follows you whichever house you go to, you start thinking, “Why am I always so clumsy? I ruin everything.” This isn’t just about the action anymore; it’s a deep-seated feeling that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. That’s shame. It’s not just about what happened—it’s about who you are.
Guilt is focused on the action: I did something, I did that task wrong, I did cheat on that test. It’s more temporary and, while it is unpleasant to feel, it’s an internal reproach for an action done that doesn’t match the values you hold for yourself.
Shame, however, is stuck on the self: I am always the problem, I do things wrong, I am just flawed.
It’s the difference between “I did this” and “I am this.” Coaches would do well to pay very close attention to the differences in the language the clients use, as both though process require different coaching approaches: Coaching the Problem vs Coaching the Person.
Potential Benefits?
Research professor Brené Brown has written on the subject in books and articles that have been used as a ground for conversation in the years after. Here, Brown explains her distinctions between guilt and shame. Something rather fascinating to note is Brown’s take on the potential for benefit that guilt can offer, and how she does not find any advantage in shame in comparison.
Brown posits:
...that guilt is adaptive and helpful—it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.
while,
shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure.
Peeling Back the Layers
So how does a Coach navigate both guilt & shame and know when to coach the person, not the problem?
With a client stuck in guilt or shame, it might be tempting to try to encourage them flat out. We might want to pause the session and tell them that they are worthy and valuable or shouldn't feel the way they do. Unfortunately, that's not coaching and merely telling a client how they should think and feel is rarely effective and often devalues the emotions the client is facing.
What could a coach try instead?
To navigate the complexities of guilt and shame more effectively in coaching sessions, tailor your approach to each emotion, and ask questions to understand their distinct impacts on your clients. Here’s how you might refine the questions and differentiate your approach based on whether a client is experiencing guilt or shame:
For Guilt:
Guilt is action-oriented, so focus on helping clients understand and address specific behaviors or decisions. Questions should aim to untangle actions from identity, helping clients see that mistakes don't define them.
Action-Focused Inquiry: "What specific actions are you feeling guilty about, and why?", "How is feeling guilty serving you?"
Values Exploration: "How are your actions aligned with your core values?" "How do you feel about your choice?"
Responsibility and Rectification: "What steps can you take to rectify this situation?" "How can you make amends in a way that feels right to you?" "Knowing what you know now, what would you like to do moving forward?"
These questions help clients see guilt as both temporary and solvable related to specific actions, and promotes client agency in resolving their feelings.
For Shame:
Shame is identity-focused and often rooted in deeper feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness. Questions should aim to challenge these beliefs about the self and promote a more encompassing self-view.
Self-Identity Exploration: "How do you want to feel?" "Who do you have to be to feel that way."
Value of Beliefs: "How has the way you have been feeling serving you?" "What is significant about this feeling to you?"
Reframing Self-Worth: "What would feeling different do for you?" "Who would you be without the feeling you don't wish to feel?"
These questions help clients challenge the pervasive nature of shame and encourage a reevaluation of their self-concept.
General Coaching Strategies:
Partnering for Self-Compassion: Regardless of whether a client is dealing with guilt or shame, fostering an attitude of self-compassion is crucial. This can be facilitated by asking, "How does kindness to yourself fit during this time?"
Promote Reflective Thinking: Encourage clients to reflect rather than react to their feelings. "What might be an alternative way to view this situation?" or even challenging absolute statements such as "always"/"never".
Validate Emotions: Acknowledge the weight and reality of what the client feels without judgment. The guilt & shame are present, It's important to give these emotions their due but move forward with the coaching rather than having the client ruminate.
By distinguishing between guilt and shame and applying targeted questions, you can better support your clients in understanding and overcoming these challenging emotions, leading them towards healthier mental states and more effective personal growth.
Thank you,
Jen Long (ACC), Jerome LeDuff (MCPC), Lisa Finck (MCC), Anthony Lopez (MCPC), and Brooke Adair Walters (ACC)!
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